Lost for Words: how to find peace within…

When you were little, did you ever fall off your bike or get hit in the chest .. And it felt like the wind was knocked out of you? Leaving you numb for words…. All you felt was raw emotion. Sadness… The tears rolled down your cheeks.. You couldn’t form words. You just felt. Think back to that moment… How did you heal? How long did it take? Did someone comfort you with a bandaid or a tight embrace? Or did you go through that tough moment by yourself… Having to get back up and walk home in pain? As a child I took some painful falls… Things that left me speechless… Left me with scars.. Or broken bones… But somehow I kept moving. Whether it was because my parents -siblings or grandmother made me feel better…or I totally just found the strength to move past it. Here I am now as an adult… And I may not have fallen physically lately, but I have had some nasty spills happen that took the air out of me. Being hurt by friends…. Or my most latest fall… Loosing my grandmother. Last night I found my self doing something she would do.. Took a hot shower, cleaned the kitchen got in bed.. And turned on a classic black and white mystery film. Then it hit me… The air left me.. And all I could do was feel.. Feel that empty Space that’s missing. As strong as I appeared when I lost my grandmother 5 months ago…I still have that moment of disbelief. Did she really go? Maybe if I call she will answer… I know it sounds crazy.. But That’s what I feel. I’m a pretty talkative person… But last night.. The words I searched for to give myself comfort.. Were lost. Just like any wound you suffer… It all truly takes time… There is no speedy recovery when you loose something. Lost of a friend, spouse, a job, a child, a parent, grandparent or , even a sibling… There is no way to just snap out of it. However there is a way to find peace within… By taking it one day at a time… I used to be told to “pace yourself” by one of my doctors… And I used to hate hearing that.. Because I was ready to be normal again. Looking for the quick fix… But now I know what she meant. Everyday I think about my grandmother and what she meant to me… But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to have days where I won’t cry, or not want to get out of bed. That’s just not realistic… Reality is.. Sometimes Krystal will be speechless… Sometimes I will not have that pretty smile.. And you know what… I’m ok with that now. The pressures of walking around as if the Sun never sets around Krystal becomes incredibly difficult when all I want to really do is let it all out. My fears, my sadness, my lonely moments, my frustrations and anger.. Yes I get angry lol… So you ask how else do i keep peace? Well I don’t hold any of it in anymore… I may not talk to people about how I feel… But I do talk to God about how I feel. He hears my sadness, he feels my anger, and he knows my Lonely moments… He comforts me and lets me pour out to him. He knows how huge my heart is.. And how I never want to hurt anyone… But he also knows what I can bare. He has kept me sustained.. He is enough.. He is my peace within… So the next time you see me.. And wonder how I keep getting up everyday.. How I keep a smile on this face… How I stay around folks that don’t deserve my presence … I depend on the peace in my heart.. And not the fact that I have nothing to say. No longer will I worry when I’m lost for words… If I have nothing to say… So be it. If my feelings are speaking louder than the words… Then so be it. No longer will I apologize for how He created me.. With a heart.. The peace is within you.. But you have to allow yourself to have it.

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